Secret Santa
by Mollisk
Summary: [The sort of sequel to Right, Wrong, and Moral] House decides to cheer everyone up by throwing a secret santa, in April. [Gen!Humor fic]
1. Guess What?

**Hey it's me, Mollisk with athesort of sequel to "RightWrong and Moral". You really don't have to read it thoughto understand it.In my mind was convicieved as a one shot but it's probably going to be at least a four or five chapter fic! Isn't that great! Anyway to the fic:**

**Disclaimor: I don't own anything yada yada yada.**

* * *

"Cameron, I love you."

Cameron spun around with disapproving look on her face. "I'm not going to fall for that-" She was interrupted by House promptly putting asticky noteon her forehead.

"Chase, stop showing off your ass to me! Just do me already!"

Slightly alarmed, Chase too turned to face House but before he could say anything, an identical sticky note was placed on his forehead.

All the while, Foreman was reading a medical journal determined not to look at his boss. House suddenly wacked him on the shin with his cane. Foreman automatically raised his head to protest and third sticky note was put on his forehead.

"Bye sweeties!" House called out as he left the conference room.

Chase, Cameron, and Foreman took the notes off their heads and read

DEPARTMENT OF DIAGNOSTIC MEDICINE OFFICAL MEETING

APRIL11, 2006 2:17:43

It was in House's barely legible scrawl. While all three were trying to make out if he was actually serious, Cameron seemed to be the only one with anything to say.

"Does he mean AM or PM?" Chase and Foreman sighed and gave each other a look.

* * *

Whether they thought he was serious or not all three ducklings wer at were in the conference room at 2:14. Waiting for the meeting to start. 

"I bet he's not serious." The always sectical Foreman announced after a minute of waiting.

"It's only 2:15." Chase replied not looking up from his crossword.

"Why did he schedule a meeting at 2:17 anyway?

"He's House."

"There's not even a reason for a meeting. I mean I can see why they need meeting in bigger departments but for us-" Chase face palmed as an obvious gesture of annoyance.

Just then Wilson entered the conference room. "Hi." He said rather lamely.

"You got dragged into this department meeting too?" Cameron asked him.

"Yep. He put a sticky note on my-"

"Forehead." The three finished at once. Wilson sighed.

The was an uncomfortable silence. Cameron, Chase, and Foreman had been trying to avoid him all week. All anyone seemed to talk about was how he was caught cheating on his wife. This made talking to him just well... strange.

In an attempt to break the silence, Cameron spook "How's your-". She stopped short. She had almost asked how his wife was.

"-office?" Chase cut in obviously guessing what she almost said.

Wilson replied, "Fine." There was an akward silence. "How are your, uhh, _offices_?"

"Great, Great." Chase and Cameron agreed.

"Thank you for the concern about my, uhh, office."

"Your Welcome. And uhh thank you for the concern about our offices." Foreman turned his back to make coffee and started silently cracking up.

Lukily, House choose that moment to swagger in with four thick looking files under his arm. Foreman turned around was quickly back to serious doctor mode.

"Hou-"

"Ehh!" House nearly shouted as he looked at his watch.

"Wha-"

"Ehh!"

"He-"

"Ehh!" At this point Foreman gave and leaned against the counter and crossed his arms.

"Welcome to the Department of Diagnostic Medicine Offical Meeting," House announced after a second in a cheery receptionest voice, "Could everyone please sit down so we can begin the meeting." House then looked pointedly at Foreman and the later quickly sat down across from Chase."I would like to start the meeting off with a prayer which I will lead."

The four sitting down looked at each other in horror. Nobody dared to move before Chase piously made the sign of the cross. Cameron, Foreman, and Wilson, all obviously not catolic, clasped their hands and bowed their heads respectfully. House however looked more like he was punishing himself for his sins than praying. He randomly hit himself and practically yelled "FATHER SON HOLY SPIRIT!" Chase winced as House started to say the prayer.

"Dear God," he paused for ephausise, "Grace. Thank you. Amen." House then preceded to make the sign of the cross in his unorthodox way and put on his cool receptionist voice "Dr. Chase will you please pass outa folder to every person." He slammed the thick folders on the table. Chase passed them out and when he finished, House smiled incredibly unnaturally at him and said,"Thank you Dr. Chase. That was very considerate of you." Everyone but House was by now completely horrified.

"Now please turn to page one." The four causically opened the folder to page one. It said in big letters:

pAgE oNe!111!one!one111!

Everyone sighed.

"Good. Please turn to page two." Page two turned out to be something that looked supsciously like a test. "You have two minutes to finish this test. Go!" The first direction was:

1.) Read all the directions before doing anything.

The ducklings spend though this direction while Wilson put his pen back in his front shirt pocket. The rest of questions were simple things like 'draw a box in the right hand corner of the page'. The ducklings reached the last direction all most simultaneously:

15.) Do not do questions 2-14.

All three mentally slapped themselves for falling for this childish test.

"Looks like we learned a valuable lesson today kiddies. Of course Jimmy knew this all by himself! Good job, you get a gold star!" House's recepetioness voice had been replaced by an idiotic camp consuler voice. He strode over to "Jimmy" and placed a yellow, star shaped post-it on his forhead. Jimmy cringled up his face and took the post-it off. The rest of the room was unsure whether burst out in hysterical laughter or ask how many vicoden House had today.

"House, I really don't have time for all this nonsense-" Wilson started but camp consueler House quickly cut in.

"Since big Jim-jim is in ahurry, let's make this quick. Please read the next one-hundred and thirty pages." The four sighed in disbelief. Chase turned to the next page. Thankfully it contained only one leter 'Y'. He scanned the rest of the pages to that they too only had one letter. He jotted down the letters as he turned the pages. It read:

**"You know what I think? I think you guys seem depressed. I think you guys need to smile more. To make you smile, guess what? We're going to have a SECRET SANTA!"**

"A secret Santa?" Chase blurted out, his accent twisted around the word santa, "It's April!"

"Ssshh, not every one has finished." House exauteratingly wagged his finger at the younger man. The others looked up at each other in disbelief.

"Is this some kind of joke?" Foreman asked.

"No joke." House sung back. He hobbled over the counter and brought his trucker hat out. "I already placed all you guys' names in it. Since da wittle wombat Chasey-wasey got it first, he gets to pick first!"

Chase reluctantly put his hand in the trucker hat and pulled out a slip of paper. It read

_House_

"Hey I got-" He started to say but House interupted him.

"Don't tell me who you got. It ruins the point of a secret santa. No telling anyone even if they're not your secret santa. K? And on another note, it ruins all the fun if you get someone a gift card or money, how boring would that be!"

The hat went around the table as everyone picked a name out of the hat. No one seemed happy with what they got.

"Meeting finite," House announced they were done, "you may now go scurry around woundering what to get your respective secret santas."

* * *

**So what do you think? Press the magic box and tell me! I already have the next chapter writen so...Up Next: Chase calls a radio station to figure out what to get House for the gift exchange.**

_"His Idea of self improvement is watching 'The L Word'"_


	2. It's Random!

**AN: You like me! You really like me! Or at least you like this fic. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I know it sounds cheesy but it really makes me feel special. Several of you guessed that everyone got House but that is not the case. That was my original idea but thanks to my Star Wars geek friend Katie (HIYA!) I realized that it was too obvious. So thanks again to everyone who reiviewed. And now without futher ado:**

**Chapter 2: It's Random**

Chase drummed his fingers on the steering wheel of his car. What to get the great Doctor Gregory House. The song on the radio ended and the DJ came on.

"Hey this is the Dan 'n Ann show. It's 5:15 on this rainy rainy day in New Jersey. Remember we're having the you-have-a-question-and-we-answer-it segment. If you have a question or a problem, call us up at 294-843-0238, that's 294-843-0238 from New Jersey. We'll be right back after this commercial break."

Hmmm... This got Chase thinking. Did what to get your boss for an incredibly random secret Santa count? Well it was sure a problem. Besides the DJ Ann and the intern Marisa both had a thing for guys with accents. Oh what the hell?

Chase pulled in front of his house and took out his cell phone and dialed the phone number. Thank god he had the phone number gift. After Marisa the intern put him on hold (while trying not to giggle at his accent) he took the opportunity to go inside and turn on the radio. The commercials were still on.

"Hey this is Dan on the Dan 'n Ann show. We've got a guy here with a problem."

Chase quickly put the phone to his ear.

"Hey you're on the Dan and Ann show. What's your name and where are calling from?" He could hear Ann on the radio and from his cell phone. It was kinda cool but weird.

"This is Rob and I'm calling from Princeton." He could here Marisa and Ann giggling in the background.

"Well surely you're not from New Jersey with that accent." Marisa giggled.

"No, I'm from Melbourne, Australia." He explained patiently. Why women liked accents he would never understand.

"So what's your problem? Hopefully it's not a girlfriend problem."

"No, my girlfriend and I are fine." That wasn't really a lie. He had been on date last Friday. Sure it had been a complete disaster and he had destroyed her phone number but still.

"Oh drat!"

"Well anyway, my boss has decided to call a- gift exchange- um sorta like a secret Santa-"

"In April?" Dan interrupted.

"Yeah, he's random like that. I picked him and I don't have the faintest idea what to get him. He's one of those guys whose read every book and seen every movie and speaks every language and has played every game."

"If he likes gaming then get him a PSP," Ann suggested. Apparently she had a nine-year-old son who loved his new PSP.

"I think he already has one."

"How about a ipod?"

"He's got that too. He also has these big speakers for it."

There was a temporary silence.

"Well Rob, I think we're going to have let the listeners take care of this pickle. If you want to help Aussie Rob call us at 294-843-0238, that's 294-843-0238. We'll be right back after Gwen Stefani, Hollarback Girl!" Dan said though the radio. As soon as the song came on the air, Marisa squealed though the phone, "So are you really with someone?"

Oh Damn.

"Yes, I'm really with someone." He reassured her, hoping the three-minute song would go really fast.

"Really? I heard that some guys with accents think that it's annoying that us American girls think their accents are hot, so they say they say they have girlfriends even though they don't. Or they say they're gay."

"Oh, I can't say I know any other Aussie-Americans but I defiantly have a girlfriend."

"But do you think it's annoying that American girls think your accent is hott?"

Yes!

"No, no, I'm actually kinda flattered." Chase said, trying to sound casual.

"Hey Marisa! Stop flirting with the caller!" Chase heard Dan say in background.

Thank God.

* * *

"Hey, this is the Dan 'n' Ann Show. We're here with Rob who needs to figure out what to get his random boss for a random gift exchange. Polley Anne from Trenton, can you help Rob here?" Ann introduced.

"Hello Rob!" Polley Anne screeched. Her voice was annoyingly high and perky.

"Hi Polley Anne." Chase replied rather lamely. _Oh God, she's probably going to suggest I get him a birdhouse or something._

"I think you should give him a yoga ball! I know it sounds cheesy, but I've given like five of my girlfriends yoga balls and they all loved it! Now we all go to a group yoga session. It is seriously so so much fun."

Chase resisted the urge to laugh hysterically at the mental image of House going to a yoga class.

"Umm... well he's sorta-disabled, he has muscle death so errr... I don't know if he could." Chase tried to explain.

"Does he use a cane or crutch?" Dan asked. This was one topic Chase really wanted to get off. He didn't think of House as cripple. He never had. When Chase did his interview, House was sitting behind a desk. By the time he figured out he had a pronounced limp, Chase knew what House was like.

"He uses a cane."

"Can he climb a flight of stairs?" Polley Anne asked hopefully.

"Umm well, I've never really seen him try, but I heard about this one time when his ex-girlfriend's husband was chasing him, and to escape my boss climbed up like four stairs." _Wow, I sound like I'm a fifteen-year-old girl. Whatever, they probably think I'm gay anyway._

"Wait, this guy chased a cripple- I mean _handicapped_ person." Dan asked incredulously.

"Well actually the husband was in a wheel chair." Chase admitted. Almost immediately Dan, Anne, Marisa and even Polley Anne burst into hysterical laughter.

"I'm sorry- that just sounds so funny- a cripple fight!" Ann said between bouts hysterical laughter.

"Besides, even if he didn't have I limp, I have a feeling he would throw it at me."

"Ok! Sorry I couldn't help you, Robbie," Polley Anne squealed, "bye-bye!"

This would be tougher than even Chase imagined.

* * *

"Hello this is Samuel from Camden, New Jersey and I strongly suggest you give your boss a book I highly recommend. It is called Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. As the title suggests, it encourages self-improvement. I have defiantly found it has improved my life tremendously and I think anyone who really puts their mind to it can have their life radically altered too." Samuel reminded Chase a drama professor he once meet; articulate, dramatic, and annoying. He also sounded like he had a fake, stuck up British accent.

"His idea of self improvement is watching 'The L Word.'"

* * *

Chase had heard a slew of callers suggesting everything from magazine subscriptions to board games to clocks. He was starting to give up.

"Let's see if one more caller can help Rob before Ann and I leave tonight." Dan said, "Lena from Middlesex, you're on!"

"Why don't you just get him booze, everyone likes booze."

Chase was silent.

"Oh, don't tell me he doesn't drink." Marisa added exasperated.

"No, that's brilliant."

* * *

Up Next: Chapter Three: I know he's Australian...

There had to something all Australians liked, I mean all Americans liked... well... arguing!


	3. Well, I know he's an Aussie

**AN: Hello, it's me again! In case you were wondering no, I was not hit by a bus. The power went out so I spent all weekend reading the Da Vinci Code instead of updating. I plea natural disaster! So thank you for staying with this story. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I know everyone says this but it really does mean a lot. In regards to this chapter; I must post a disclaimer so all the Aussie refrain from beating my head in (not that they would all the Aussie's I've meet are nice). I am not nearly as Australia ignorant as Foreman is. Foreman is an idiot in this chapter. I know the capital is not Sydney, it's Cannberra. Now, Onward!**

Chapter Three: Well I know he's an Aussie…

Chapter Three: Well I know he's an Aussie...

Foreman tapped his fingers on the kitchen table. _What to get Chase. He probably has everything. Or maybe not. I've never seen his apartment. I don't have any clue where it even is._ _What did he know about Chase?_ He found a pen and paper and started to make a list.

**- his first name is Robert **

_Oh well that was helpful! I don't even know if he likes to be called Rob or Bob or Robert or Robbie. How long have I known him? At least a year..._

**_- _he is blonde**

**- he is Australian**

_Bingo! There had to something all Australians liked, I mean all Americans liked... well... arguing!_ What city in Australia was Chase from anyway? Sydney was the only city he'd heard of, that must be the capital. There is the Outback... but nobody lives there. Foreman turned on his computer and opened up the Internet. He googled _What do Australian People like? _He scanned the results, _Downloads (from **people like** you!), Bizarre Eats in Africa, homeless people_... Okay, maybe that wasn't the right keyword. He typed in Australians instead. _Famous Australians, Australians Abroad, Australians at war, Young Australians, No Republic! Australians for Constitutional Monarchy... _This time he decided to be less subtle and typed _Aussies_ in._ My Awesome Australians Shepherds, US Survival Tips for Aussies-_

Foreman clicked on that curiously. By the time he meet Chase, he had been in America for about a year. He was used to American customs by then. Except for occasional spelling _problems_ and some slang _misunderstandings_ (he would never forget when Chase announced he got a_ Mozzie_ bite), Chase acted pretty American. The website was divided into categories like standards, customs, and traditions. As he browsed he was amazed at how different Australia seemed. Who knew that light switches were backwards in Australia? Remembering why he was there, Foreman went to the home page. There really wasn't a area for gift ideas but he clicked on food. I mean besides arguing everyone loved food. _Milk, Butter, Vegemite._

Of course! All Aussies loved vegemite. Unless it was like saying all Americans loved peanut butter... In which case he could be screwed. Anyway, where would he get vegemite? What did it look like? What the hell was it anyway? Foreman scrolled down.

_You can get vegemite at The World Market._

There was a world market by the mall. He could go pick up a package of it. Would it come in a box or a jar or a box or a can? Maybe he better figure out what it actually was.

_Vegemite is a dark, salty spread common in Australia. _

_So it was like peanut butter?_ He couldn't just give Chase peanut butter. Foreman slumped back in his chair and looked at the screen absent mindedly. Then it hit him. History. He could check on Chase's computer at work to find out what sites he went to. Chase often spent time surfing the internet in his office. Cameron once asked him what he was doing. Chase had shrugged her off with the excuse, "I'm just surfing."

_You could find anything on the internet. Right?_

Foreman carefully snuck into Chase's office. Chase was in clinic duty, so he wouldn't catch him. Foreman sat down uncomfortably, trying to shake the feeling he was doing something wrong. He turned on the computer and opened up the internet history

_drwombat.livejournal, mail.yahoo, communites.livejournal, myspace..._

So Chase chatted online? At least he would to talk to people about what he liked. Foreman clicked on Chase's livejournal. It looked almost like a professional website with clean lines, earth tones, and plenty of contrast between the background and text. Chase seemed to update it pretty faithfully. He seemed to post nearly everyday. He looked at Chase's entries.

_My thoughts on last night's epi of So You Think You Can Dance... , Farewell Commander-in-chief, TV I'll be watching this summer, Wouldn't it be funny if I wore this to work,_

Foreman read the last one.

_Dex on the Bones comm pointed this out. Wouldn't it be funny if House saw me wearing that? Although the look on Foreman's face if he saw me wearing that would be priceless..._

There was a link right above it. Foreman had no clue what would make him make a funny face, but he clicked on it anyway. As the page loaded Foreman considered the possibility that it was something not PG rated. Fortunately, it turned out to be a T shirt. Not just any T-shirt, a muscle T-shirt that said **JESUS IS NOT A ZOMBIE! **That was kinda strange but funny. It was random. It was perfect. Foreman got a sheet of paper out of Chase's printer and wrote down the URL. Okay, he could leave now but that didn't mean he couldn't look at Chase's livejournal later... Foreman jotted down the URL to his livejournal.

**Up Next: Chapter Four: That's insane!**

_"Someone needs to give Wilson a hug, or a puppy!"_


End file.
